Looks like Kate Beckinsale's daughter has a new boyfriend--oh, wait.

"Oh, look, my bloomers be goin' down!"


I have mental images of Kate Beckinsale watching old episodes of Nickelodeon's "All That," researching her current boyfriend's prior (recent) work, which makes me laugh. She seems like a classy lady, and won't get Nick humor.


If their genders were reversed--it would still seem odd. Beckinsale looks ten years younger, and Rife looks a few years older. They might be enjoying each other's company, and he might be enjoying her money. But if Lily Mo Sheen ends up bringing home a 40-year-old man, you can't be angry now, Kate. That's totally the rule.


There are advantages to this couple. If there relationship ever hits a rough spot, she can always take his Xbox away.


When he's ready to have kids, she'll be dried up like jerky. When he goes thru his midlife crisis, she'll be dead. There's a reason why Ashton Kutcher left Demi Moore for Millennial Demi Moore, Mila Kunis: She could give him a normal life. Now they have averaged-sized children. Because Mila Kunis is a dwarf.

And you thought YOU had a bad time at the airport!

President Donald Trump is continuing to fulfill his cocaine-fueled promises and just banned everyone from several predominantly Islamic countries. Protests in our nation's airports have sprout up. People are mad at Uber for functioning as it should.


Just about 100 visa-holders were not allowed in the US. The problem is that this is now a Constitutional issue. Trump's ardent supporters do not ask such questions; he won them over with far crazier ideas, like banning all Muslim immigrants entirely. You either have a visa and you can enter America, or you don't and you can't. There is no middle ground, apparently. Trump just invented a middle ground, and people aren't playing along.


Trump has banned immigrants from countries such as Iran and Pakistan, but not nations that export a lot of terrorists, such as Saudi Arabia. In his defense, Saudi Arabia is technically a US ally. (Plus Trump Corporation has business interests over there!) Saudis commit a lot of terrorism because they can travel the world freely and are relatively well-educated--and that so many well-educated Muslims become terrorists is something we should all think about. Iranians have been persona non grata in this country since the 80s, so they commit few acts of terrorism against America. Iran is a state sponsor of terrorism. That's why.


Ashton Kutcher gave an impassioned speech at last night's SAG Awards condemning this travel ban. Kutcher owns a part of Uber and has a financial interest in the company's success--also, you know, he's tolerant.


Also Mila Kunis has a penis.

Well, at least Lindsay Lohan's vagina is getting a lot of work.

Apparently Lindsay Lohan recently compiled a list of the 36 celebrities whom she'd banged, then accidentally(?) let the list get out to the media. On one hand, it seems high for a woman in her late 20s; on the other, it seems about right for Lindsay Lohan.

So far, none of the men on this list have complained about being, ha, linked to Lindsay Lohan. That's another reason to call this list legitimate. At this point, I would think more men would be embarrassed of having had sex with her than being proud of it. It's just no longer something you need to brag about--much like your AAA membership or your American Express card. (Have I had sex with Lindsay Lohan? No, let's say I didn't.)

As terrible as Mila Kunis might be--and she is terrible--you never hear about her clubbing or her coke use or her unprofessionalism. (Mila Kunis does her coke in private.) We can blame Lohan's parents, her apparent ADHD, her addictions--and we should, and there might be something medically wrong with her besides the "disease of addiction"--but ultimately her career went off the path when she became an adult, and she was no longer moored to having to protect her image as a Disney star. A large part of Lohan's credibility problem comes from Lindsay Lohan. At this point, she chooses celebration over due diligence in both her personal and professional lives. She is the only white girl with more mugshots than a rapper. The most reflection she does is to compile a list of guys whom she banged.

Lohan's career went south because she did not exploit her youth--she was not content to churn out mediocre but profitable PG13 films for the tween crowd. The moment that she turned 18, she wanted to be taken seriously as an adult, but she wasn't a serious adult. She was chewed out for her tardiness and unprofessionalism in a 2006 open letter from Morgan Creek Productions CEO James G. Robinson--which is an almost unheard of act of criticism, especially against the star of your own project. She is now reduced to doing indie films, because no major producer wants to touch her. (Ha.)

Lindsay Lohan has had the quickest fall of any celebrity ever, going from the next Julia Roberts in 2004 to a washout in 2006; she was quickly eclipsed by just about the entire cast of Mean Girls except Lacey Chabert (whom I love), having started to refuse to show up on time and sober. Amy Poehler, who's over a decade older, eclipsed the young woman. Lohan became a spoof of herself. She no longer dares rise to the level of people's low expectations of her; she manages to sink further. (It's not an issue of a gender double standard: Charlie Sheen has assloads of money from 2 1/2 Men, so there's really no humiliating that guy at this point. He was proficient when he needed to be.) She briefly retired from acting to be a lesbian--no one having told her that she she could do both.

Eighteen was the turning point, where she started the customary attempt of the teen starlet to shed her wholesome image, which is beneficial in one's youth but restrictive in adulthood. But she attempted to embrace her womanhood immediately after turning 18, not taking the time to enjoy the opportunities afforded to a woman who could still play a teenage girl. Worst, the projects that she chose were objectively awful. She worked with the late Robert Altman, the end.

She returned to acting, looking older and more out of shape than her youth would suggest. Her unique raspy voice is now just terrible. It seems unlikely that there will be a comeback for Lindsay Lohan. Her attempts to stage a comeback will be torpedoed as long as she's still in the equation.

Did anyone say "Oscars"?!

Predictions for Oscars:

If Jennifer Lawrence wins an Oscar, Anne Hathaway will attack her in the parking lot and take it. That's her plan for getting one.

Mia Farrow would complain about Cate Blanchett not condemning Woody Allen in her acceptance speech for "Blue Jasmine."

You know who will be in the "In Memoriam" segment? Dead celebrities! Every year! Who's murdering them?

Ellen DeGeneres will offer twerking jokes. Whether she, herself, will twerk remains to be seen.

Ellen Page will greet DeGeneres with the lesbian secret handshake. Welcome to the team. Fly into the Danger Zone.

The black chick with the interesting backstory will win. I'm not interested in looking up her name. Lupe, I think. Lupe. The irony that the Academy will give another Oscar to a black person for playing a slave while congratulating itself for its progressiveness will be lost on everyone.

Oh, black people might've seen "12 Years a Slave." That is all. The only black person to have seen "Gravity" was Sandra Bullock's kid. This will not be your year either, Tyler Perry.

Mila Kunis will be too busy performing oral sex to attend the Oscars.

Every time Philip Seymour Hoffman is mentioned, the audience will go insane with applause. Are they happy he's dead? Did he owe all these celebrities money?

Pharell's hat will be allowed to continue its reign of terror.

Seth MacFarlane will have to settle for "Dads." What? Low ratings? Gonna be cancelled? Well, he still has his money pile.

Idia Menzel will kill it with "Let It Go."

If Ricky Gervais had hosted this year's Golden Globes.

The Fey-Poeher pairing was pretty funny. Don't get me wrong. But I missed Gervais's sharp-tongue ridiculing of Hollywood pretentiousness. I thought I would imagine an alternate universe, where Ricky would've been given his rightful due, and here's how the night went down:

He would point out how much Amy Poeher looks like Justin Bieber. “That’s right. You know you look like’em, love.”

He would mock Steve Carell’s post-Office career. “Not so easy, is it? Not so easy to be in movies.” This would then be followed up by him bringing out the cast of "Anchorman 2" onstage, then he would tell the cast of "Anchorman 2" to leave.

Tell everyone at the ceremony to save their leftovers for the Somali fellow's family, then he would tell Sandra Bullock not to try to adopt him. He's a grown man.

Ricky Gervais broke out his Sean Penn jokes. Sean Penn doesn't get jokes, so he slugged Ricky Gervais.

He would call Mila Kunis a whore. No context. He would just get onstage and call her a whore.

He would tell Jennifer Lawrence not to trip this time…. Then he would totally trip Jennifer Lawrence.

Did anyone say “Paul Walker death jokes”?

He would call Mel Gibson, get him on speaker phone, then break out his Mel Gibson jokes. Because you know he’s got a lot of them.

Woody Allen would be mentioned, and Gervais's head would proceed to explode. (Fortunately Mia Farrow's son filled the vacuum and called him a pedophile.)

Slave jokes! Slave jokes! Slave jokes!