Have we ruled out that Michael Bay and Zack Snyder aren't really the same person?

Their movies certainly look good, but so quickly fall apart when viewed thru any lens of reality. The dialogue is so insipid as to come from Screenwriters' 101 on plot twists and character development. Their jokes flop. What they lack in wit, they make up for in noise. They both worked with actors like Ben Affleck, Jackie E. Haley. Both men occasionally, as if by accident, make a movie with hints of greatness (Pain & Gain, 300). Watch Man of Steel and Armageddon as a double feature. Who directed which movie?

This might be a Hannah Montana-type situation. Michael Bay, realizing that he was aging after the Millennium, decided to invent a young, hip auteur so he could continue making terrible movies without any gravitas whatsoever. I don't believe Bay killed a man named Zack Snyder and assumed his identity; rather, he invented a persona that existed on paper, then he became that man. He switches between this persona and his real self so often that it's now a seamless transition. Additionally, this allows him to date twice as many lingerie models, and someday he might want to murder someone, then disappear.

(And Brett Ratner? No, Brett Ratner is too busy with his rapes.)

Think about it, Internets. Has anyone ever seen them both at the same place and the same time? My pet theory is that Bay is really wearing a latex mask, and some day he's going to pull it off, Mission Impossible-style and yell: "Fooled you, Hollywood! It was me--Michael Bay--all along!" I think Ben Affleck knows.