On paper, Anne Hathaway should be this American sweetheart. She's been big since 2001's Princess Diaries, where she discovered she was pretty if she straightened her hair--and no other actress has so perfectly balanced kids movies with adult fair than she does. A good reason to explain hatred of her is an incident a couple years back, where she was emerging from a talkshow appearance, signing autographs, and she refused to sign a sexy photo of her from Esquire because there were kids around. She refused to sign a shot that she'd posed for. Because...the kids?
She's the younger Gwyneth Paltrow. She talks like she went to college, but she never went to college. She's the kind of chick who listens to records because "the music sounds better," and she probably knits and drinks craft beers. When she become a mother, she'll be one of those mothers who use cloth diapers and feeds her kid organic baby food. We have to hate her poise, because the poise seems to come from pretentiousness, not from genuine modesty.... She's the much younger Meryl Streep--or the slightly older Jennifer Lawrence.
She has been tainted by guilt from association--namely her association with Italian con artist Raffaello Follieri--and how douchey is it that her boyfriend was named "Raffaello"? They adopted a douchey dog together--all the while he was scamming people out of millions. She would later joke about it on SNL; however this association speaks volumes about her. She either knew that her boyfriend was cheating people or (more likely) this was evidence that she fits the stereotype of the dim bulb actress. (Where's your pretend college education now, college-girl?) Even Lindsay Lohan has never had a relationship with a serious felon--none that we know about.
Her great knockers and booty belie a face that is divisive in how hot we find her. Some people don't view her as attractive, especially her bulbous nose. (I'm okay with her face.) Her decision to crop off her beautiful hair--though admirable for her role in Les Miserable--didn't help her appearance. It seems like her hair isn't growing back, right? And her great big boobs are in danger of sag.
Personally, I will continue watching Hathaway movies. All the while glad that I do not know her in real life. She seems awful.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Well, at least Lindsay Lohan's vagina is getting a lot of work.
Apparently Lindsay Lohan recently compiled a list of the 36 celebrities whom she'd banged, then accidentally(?) let the list get out to the media. On one hand, it seems high for a woman in her late 20s; on the other, it seems about right for Lindsay Lohan.
So far, none of the men on this list have complained about being, ha, linked to Lindsay Lohan. That's another reason to call this list legitimate. At this point, I would think more men would be embarrassed of having had sex with her than being proud of it. It's just no longer something you need to brag about--much like your AAA membership or your American Express card. (Have I had sex with Lindsay Lohan? No, let's say I didn't.)
As terrible as Mila Kunis might be--and she is terrible--you never hear about her clubbing or her coke use or her unprofessionalism. (Mila Kunis does her coke in private.) We can blame Lohan's parents, her apparent ADHD, her addictions--and we should, and there might be something medically wrong with her besides the "disease of addiction"--but ultimately her career went off the path when she became an adult, and she was no longer moored to having to protect her image as a Disney star. A large part of Lohan's credibility problem comes from Lindsay Lohan. At this point, she chooses celebration over due diligence in both her personal and professional lives. She is the only white girl with more mugshots than a rapper. The most reflection she does is to compile a list of guys whom she banged.
Lohan's career went south because she did not exploit her youth--she was not content to churn out mediocre but profitable PG13 films for the tween crowd. The moment that she turned 18, she wanted to be taken seriously as an adult, but she wasn't a serious adult. She was chewed out for her tardiness and unprofessionalism in a 2006 open letter from Morgan Creek Productions CEO James G. Robinson--which is an almost unheard of act of criticism, especially against the star of your own project. She is now reduced to doing indie films, because no major producer wants to touch her. (Ha.)
Lindsay Lohan has had the quickest fall of any celebrity ever, going from the next Julia Roberts in 2004 to a washout in 2006; she was quickly eclipsed by just about the entire cast of Mean Girls except Lacey Chabert (whom I love), having started to refuse to show up on time and sober. Amy Poehler, who's over a decade older, eclipsed the young woman. Lohan became a spoof of herself. She no longer dares rise to the level of people's low expectations of her; she manages to sink further. (It's not an issue of a gender double standard: Charlie Sheen has assloads of money from 2 1/2 Men, so there's really no humiliating that guy at this point. He was proficient when he needed to be.) She briefly retired from acting to be a lesbian--no one having told her that she she could do both.
Eighteen was the turning point, where she started the customary attempt of the teen starlet to shed her wholesome image, which is beneficial in one's youth but restrictive in adulthood. But she attempted to embrace her womanhood immediately after turning 18, not taking the time to enjoy the opportunities afforded to a woman who could still play a teenage girl. Worst, the projects that she chose were objectively awful. She worked with the late Robert Altman, the end.
She returned to acting, looking older and more out of shape than her youth would suggest. Her unique raspy voice is now just terrible. It seems unlikely that there will be a comeback for Lindsay Lohan. Her attempts to stage a comeback will be torpedoed as long as she's still in the equation.
So far, none of the men on this list have complained about being, ha, linked to Lindsay Lohan. That's another reason to call this list legitimate. At this point, I would think more men would be embarrassed of having had sex with her than being proud of it. It's just no longer something you need to brag about--much like your AAA membership or your American Express card. (Have I had sex with Lindsay Lohan? No, let's say I didn't.)
As terrible as Mila Kunis might be--and she is terrible--you never hear about her clubbing or her coke use or her unprofessionalism. (Mila Kunis does her coke in private.) We can blame Lohan's parents, her apparent ADHD, her addictions--and we should, and there might be something medically wrong with her besides the "disease of addiction"--but ultimately her career went off the path when she became an adult, and she was no longer moored to having to protect her image as a Disney star. A large part of Lohan's credibility problem comes from Lindsay Lohan. At this point, she chooses celebration over due diligence in both her personal and professional lives. She is the only white girl with more mugshots than a rapper. The most reflection she does is to compile a list of guys whom she banged.
Lohan's career went south because she did not exploit her youth--she was not content to churn out mediocre but profitable PG13 films for the tween crowd. The moment that she turned 18, she wanted to be taken seriously as an adult, but she wasn't a serious adult. She was chewed out for her tardiness and unprofessionalism in a 2006 open letter from Morgan Creek Productions CEO James G. Robinson--which is an almost unheard of act of criticism, especially against the star of your own project. She is now reduced to doing indie films, because no major producer wants to touch her. (Ha.)
Lindsay Lohan has had the quickest fall of any celebrity ever, going from the next Julia Roberts in 2004 to a washout in 2006; she was quickly eclipsed by just about the entire cast of Mean Girls except Lacey Chabert (whom I love), having started to refuse to show up on time and sober. Amy Poehler, who's over a decade older, eclipsed the young woman. Lohan became a spoof of herself. She no longer dares rise to the level of people's low expectations of her; she manages to sink further. (It's not an issue of a gender double standard: Charlie Sheen has assloads of money from 2 1/2 Men, so there's really no humiliating that guy at this point. He was proficient when he needed to be.) She briefly retired from acting to be a lesbian--no one having told her that she she could do both.
Eighteen was the turning point, where she started the customary attempt of the teen starlet to shed her wholesome image, which is beneficial in one's youth but restrictive in adulthood. But she attempted to embrace her womanhood immediately after turning 18, not taking the time to enjoy the opportunities afforded to a woman who could still play a teenage girl. Worst, the projects that she chose were objectively awful. She worked with the late Robert Altman, the end.
She returned to acting, looking older and more out of shape than her youth would suggest. Her unique raspy voice is now just terrible. It seems unlikely that there will be a comeback for Lindsay Lohan. Her attempts to stage a comeback will be torpedoed as long as she's still in the equation.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
The Last Flight of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370...
There's something inherently wrong about something so big with so many people just disappearing, even in something as vast as an ocean. It taps into our modern fear of flying. Add to that the bizarre behavior of the person or persons piloting the plane in its final hours, and the fact that at least two passengers were travelling with other people's papers. Add to that there's the problem with Malaysia's failure to communicate what's going on in a timely matter, not because they're concealing information to protect their investigation but because they're shit communicators.
It is easy to say "terrorist." However, no terrorists have yet claimed credit for this possible attack. I will reserve the "terrorist" for when news become available that there were terrorists involved.
Putting on my Sherlock Holmes-style seersucker hat, I believe the pilot or co-pilot had a mental issue and killed the other, and tried to steal the plane, perhaps sending it into the ocean in the midst of his psychosis. A faulty skyjacking seems to be the theory in vogue. The duo using stolen passports could mean everything or nothing. Strange coincidences happen all the time across history.
Above all, we do not know, and can only wait to find out.
It is easy to say "terrorist." However, no terrorists have yet claimed credit for this possible attack. I will reserve the "terrorist" for when news become available that there were terrorists involved.
Putting on my Sherlock Holmes-style seersucker hat, I believe the pilot or co-pilot had a mental issue and killed the other, and tried to steal the plane, perhaps sending it into the ocean in the midst of his psychosis. A faulty skyjacking seems to be the theory in vogue. The duo using stolen passports could mean everything or nothing. Strange coincidences happen all the time across history.
Above all, we do not know, and can only wait to find out.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
How great is it that Repubs are rallying to support Vladimar Putin?
Maybe the giant crying bear at the Sochi closing events was a cry for help?
First George W. Bush looked into Putin's soul and declared he was a good guy. America can trust him. Now that Putin is showing himself as the real-life Bond villain that he is, Republicans are in the awkward position of having to ally themselves with a man who does very bad things against Americans to illustrate their opposition to the Democratic President. (They also became concerned about Islamic terrorists' civil rights and the national debt around 2009.) Obama's attempts to prevent the US from being entangled in another foreign conflict--or "leading from behind"--are thus a sign of his weakness, not a sign of PAYING ATTENTION.
Maybe Obama should send 100,000 America troops into a foreign country, then stay there for ten years (after first disbanding the local army--we don't need those guys, right?), losing hundreds of billions due to incompetence and graft while American infrastructure collapses? Oops. Been done!
You know what's great about "leading from behind"? You don't get shot. Obama is attempting to prevent Americans from getting shot, as near as I can tell. Republicans are living in a weird, 1984-style society where the shutdown was a good idea and America should invade other countries with no thought as to how it will effect either our short-term or long-term foreign policy. Sending drones into Pakistan is terrible--send some troops in there, right? The drone strikes are endangering our relationship with Islamic allies--unlike declaring war unilaterally, which is just common sense.
Oh, and why are we even listening to Dick Cheney or Con Rice on this matter? It feels like they should fade away, and never offer any additional wisdom on global political events again. Feels like they should be working harder to redeem their legacy, not reminding us all that they still exist. Try to become irrelevant, neocons--that's something you should be aiming for!
If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. When you're a fuckin' dumbass, stand aside and let someone with some grasp of recent American history to take the wheel, even if it means "leading from behind."
First George W. Bush looked into Putin's soul and declared he was a good guy. America can trust him. Now that Putin is showing himself as the real-life Bond villain that he is, Republicans are in the awkward position of having to ally themselves with a man who does very bad things against Americans to illustrate their opposition to the Democratic President. (They also became concerned about Islamic terrorists' civil rights and the national debt around 2009.) Obama's attempts to prevent the US from being entangled in another foreign conflict--or "leading from behind"--are thus a sign of his weakness, not a sign of PAYING ATTENTION.
Maybe Obama should send 100,000 America troops into a foreign country, then stay there for ten years (after first disbanding the local army--we don't need those guys, right?), losing hundreds of billions due to incompetence and graft while American infrastructure collapses? Oops. Been done!
You know what's great about "leading from behind"? You don't get shot. Obama is attempting to prevent Americans from getting shot, as near as I can tell. Republicans are living in a weird, 1984-style society where the shutdown was a good idea and America should invade other countries with no thought as to how it will effect either our short-term or long-term foreign policy. Sending drones into Pakistan is terrible--send some troops in there, right? The drone strikes are endangering our relationship with Islamic allies--unlike declaring war unilaterally, which is just common sense.
Oh, and why are we even listening to Dick Cheney or Con Rice on this matter? It feels like they should fade away, and never offer any additional wisdom on global political events again. Feels like they should be working harder to redeem their legacy, not reminding us all that they still exist. Try to become irrelevant, neocons--that's something you should be aiming for!
If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. When you're a fuckin' dumbass, stand aside and let someone with some grasp of recent American history to take the wheel, even if it means "leading from behind."
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Did anyone say "Oscars"?!
Predictions for Oscars:
If Jennifer Lawrence wins an Oscar, Anne Hathaway will attack her in the parking lot and take it. That's her plan for getting one.
Mia Farrow would complain about Cate Blanchett not condemning Woody Allen in her acceptance speech for "Blue Jasmine."
You know who will be in the "In Memoriam" segment? Dead celebrities! Every year! Who's murdering them?
Ellen DeGeneres will offer twerking jokes. Whether she, herself, will twerk remains to be seen.
Ellen Page will greet DeGeneres with the lesbian secret handshake. Welcome to the team. Fly into the Danger Zone.
The black chick with the interesting backstory will win. I'm not interested in looking up her name. Lupe, I think. Lupe. The irony that the Academy will give another Oscar to a black person for playing a slave while congratulating itself for its progressiveness will be lost on everyone.
Oh, black people might've seen "12 Years a Slave." That is all. The only black person to have seen "Gravity" was Sandra Bullock's kid. This will not be your year either, Tyler Perry.
Mila Kunis will be too busy performing oral sex to attend the Oscars.
Every time Philip Seymour Hoffman is mentioned, the audience will go insane with applause. Are they happy he's dead? Did he owe all these celebrities money?
Pharell's hat will be allowed to continue its reign of terror.
Seth MacFarlane will have to settle for "Dads." What? Low ratings? Gonna be cancelled? Well, he still has his money pile.
Idia Menzel will kill it with "Let It Go."
If Jennifer Lawrence wins an Oscar, Anne Hathaway will attack her in the parking lot and take it. That's her plan for getting one.
Mia Farrow would complain about Cate Blanchett not condemning Woody Allen in her acceptance speech for "Blue Jasmine."
You know who will be in the "In Memoriam" segment? Dead celebrities! Every year! Who's murdering them?
Ellen DeGeneres will offer twerking jokes. Whether she, herself, will twerk remains to be seen.
Ellen Page will greet DeGeneres with the lesbian secret handshake. Welcome to the team. Fly into the Danger Zone.
The black chick with the interesting backstory will win. I'm not interested in looking up her name. Lupe, I think. Lupe. The irony that the Academy will give another Oscar to a black person for playing a slave while congratulating itself for its progressiveness will be lost on everyone.
Oh, black people might've seen "12 Years a Slave." That is all. The only black person to have seen "Gravity" was Sandra Bullock's kid. This will not be your year either, Tyler Perry.
Mila Kunis will be too busy performing oral sex to attend the Oscars.
Every time Philip Seymour Hoffman is mentioned, the audience will go insane with applause. Are they happy he's dead? Did he owe all these celebrities money?
Pharell's hat will be allowed to continue its reign of terror.
Seth MacFarlane will have to settle for "Dads." What? Low ratings? Gonna be cancelled? Well, he still has his money pile.
Idia Menzel will kill it with "Let It Go."
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