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Saturday, March 22, 2014

Well, at least Lindsay Lohan's vagina is getting a lot of work.

Apparently Lindsay Lohan recently compiled a list of the 36 celebrities whom she'd banged, then accidentally(?) let the list get out to the media. On one hand, it seems high for a woman in her late 20s; on the other, it seems about right for Lindsay Lohan.

So far, none of the men on this list have complained about being, ha, linked to Lindsay Lohan. That's another reason to call this list legitimate. At this point, I would think more men would be embarrassed of having had sex with her than being proud of it. It's just no longer something you need to brag about--much like your AAA membership or your American Express card. (Have I had sex with Lindsay Lohan? No, let's say I didn't.)

As terrible as Mila Kunis might be--and she is terrible--you never hear about her clubbing or her coke use or her unprofessionalism. (Mila Kunis does her coke in private.) We can blame Lohan's parents, her apparent ADHD, her addictions--and we should, and there might be something medically wrong with her besides the "disease of addiction"--but ultimately her career went off the path when she became an adult, and she was no longer moored to having to protect her image as a Disney star. A large part of Lohan's credibility problem comes from Lindsay Lohan. At this point, she chooses celebration over due diligence in both her personal and professional lives. She is the only white girl with more mugshots than a rapper. The most reflection she does is to compile a list of guys whom she banged.

Lohan's career went south because she did not exploit her youth--she was not content to churn out mediocre but profitable PG13 films for the tween crowd. The moment that she turned 18, she wanted to be taken seriously as an adult, but she wasn't a serious adult. She was chewed out for her tardiness and unprofessionalism in a 2006 open letter from Morgan Creek Productions CEO James G. Robinson--which is an almost unheard of act of criticism, especially against the star of your own project. She is now reduced to doing indie films, because no major producer wants to touch her. (Ha.)

Lindsay Lohan has had the quickest fall of any celebrity ever, going from the next Julia Roberts in 2004 to a washout in 2006; she was quickly eclipsed by just about the entire cast of Mean Girls except Lacey Chabert (whom I love), having started to refuse to show up on time and sober. Amy Poehler, who's over a decade older, eclipsed the young woman. Lohan became a spoof of herself. She no longer dares rise to the level of people's low expectations of her; she manages to sink further. (It's not an issue of a gender double standard: Charlie Sheen has assloads of money from 2 1/2 Men, so there's really no humiliating that guy at this point. He was proficient when he needed to be.) She briefly retired from acting to be a lesbian--no one having told her that she she could do both.

Eighteen was the turning point, where she started the customary attempt of the teen starlet to shed her wholesome image, which is beneficial in one's youth but restrictive in adulthood. But she attempted to embrace her womanhood immediately after turning 18, not taking the time to enjoy the opportunities afforded to a woman who could still play a teenage girl. Worst, the projects that she chose were objectively awful. She worked with the late Robert Altman, the end.

She returned to acting, looking older and more out of shape than her youth would suggest. Her unique raspy voice is now just terrible. It seems unlikely that there will be a comeback for Lindsay Lohan. Her attempts to stage a comeback will be torpedoed as long as she's still in the equation.

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